Category: Uncategorized

Tonight is lonely after arriving back home from hockey.
This street, without you anchoring the other end,
seems to be off-kilter,
and this end of it just undulates.
With neighbors coming over
to act the ass in front of
those folks that brought
me into this world,
I wonder what is the point?
What makes me believe in mankind,
or what you and I once held
so dearly between us.
I know that the bed will be cold.
It always is since you left.
I want to be strong, G,
pretend like I can live without you.
I can, I know this now,
but I try to play it cool,
when the longing comes,
I try not to scream,
Come back to me,
Come back to me,
baby, Baby, please,
come back to me.

My dad and I made it down to the market this afternoon after going to Stone Mountain. I needed cigarettes, I need to quit. We crossed the spot where you carved our initials into the wet cement. I saw dad look at it. He saw me look at it too. It doesn’t hurt as much now when I see it. It hasn’t for some time. There have been times when I have walked down there that I don’t even think to look at it. I always think about you not being here when I am walking up the hill back home though. I think about the times striking out for the market for frozen pizza, cigarettes, soda, etc. I liked doing that. Still do, but it was better when I was coming back to you.
While at the market I suddenly had a craving for Orangina. I could not explain it really. I never really crave the stuff even though it is tasty. I bought a big bottle and am now sitting on the porch writing, after remembering that you told me, right after moving in here, that I could bring you Orangina any time I went to the market. I did for awhile. Remember? I would have brought home a truckload today, and pulled it up the hill with my hands, if I it could’ve caused you to be waiting on the sofa for me when I got back. I get on with my life, but I can’t say that the fantasy of us having another shot has really dissipated all that much.
Have fun in Sparkle this week. I might even phone you out of the blue so be on your toes.
love you

There’s this DVD that I own that I need to sneak to you now, in that way in which we share things these days, that involves Townes Van Zant, Guy Clark, Steve Earle and others in Texas in the 70s. A black man cries as Townes plays “Poncho and Lefty.” I have this day off of work and have been reading and hanging out, and wishing that I could hear you sing “Katie Dear” to me tonight. I guess I have been missing you. But, is that so surprising?

Tommy asked me last night if I wanted him to invite you to my birthday dinner tonight, and as much as I wanted to say yes, I had to say no. It would not be fair to the others for me to just pay attention to you, and it would be hard for me not to do that under the circumstances. Thanks for my early birthday wishes last night, and my birthday wishes today. I know it’s hokey, and you may not believe it, but I wish I could rub YOUR feet for my birthday. I’m sure my hands would tremble a bit, but I don’t think my skills have really waned, even though they haven’t been put to use.
Take care and have a good day, baby.

Tonight I looked at the dormant fireplace. I have lit it a couple of times this year, but not nearly as much as we did when you lived here. I thought about the times we sat when it was so cold – last winter seems so cold now compared to this one – by the fireplace and smoked cigarettes… which led me to thinking about sitting by the fireplace, with the smell of the burnt wood, and smoking, at your mother’s house. Then I thought that you don’t smoke anymore and it made me happy and sad. It made me happy and sad in the same way that the thoughts of hearth-side smoking did. There are so many memories surrounding so many things, but there seems like a special amount of them surrounding cigarettes: the first night on Gates’ porch when I saw the shooting stars that you didn’t, sitting on the porch at various parties, the pool house, the car port at Ashley’s, my parents back porch, in my car and yours, on trips and around town, Jeremy’s porch shivering, and even sitting in your window after you moved out. I guess that’s one of the reasons why it is hard to give the habit up. It is also why it is hard to give you up, too many memories. But there has been a slight shift. These memories used to only make me sad. They still do, but strangely they make me smile at the same time. I am sitting here right now looking at the fireplace, crying and smiling.

Knowing you were out of town this weekend, made this town seem a tad lonely to me. I mean, I had a great weekend so far in many ways, but you not being here made things seem slightly off-kilter. There have been other times when you have been gone when I also felt like this. When I would drive past your house and your car was not there, nor were the lights on, for two days, I would assume that you were in Sparkle, or visiting Nate, etc. I guess since we have split, maybe I keep grabbing for straws, but I do like this city more with you in it than I liked it before you were here. I can’t really put my fingers on it, but I know that you care about me, and it is comforting to know that even if we don’t see each other or talk that much, a person that lives right down the street from me has my best interest at heart, wants me to be happy and fulfilled. Hopefully you get some comfort in knowing that I am down here thinking the same things about you.
I guess all of this comes out of my fear that you will leave. This city will never be the same – not for me or many others. I know it may be what you have to do though. I wish that you had been able to make more of a go of it here already. It’s never too late to start.
I will support you, though, in whatever you need to do. I hope that you decide to give this and here a try though. You might be surprised.

Please read bullpencatcher. I am so much better in many ways. There is beauty inside me. I pray about you before I fall to sleep, and dream about you as I daily slough off this mortal coil. I want to dance with you tonight to the tune of a two-fingered gypsy guitarist – or to the the sound of you humming Sam Cooke in my ear. You light me up. I only wish I could do the same for you.

I don’t have much time to write today, but you know how I usually like to do a post-mortem on our conversations…
I know you are feeling down right now, but if you could look at objectively, I think you would realize how much love surrounds you. From your family, to your Sparkle friends, to your friends here, including me. We are all here to support you in getting and feeling better. Don’t hesitate to use us. Don’t feel alone, because you never really are.
I definitely know the feeling that you are having right now. I have been through it, and I can say that it does and will get better. You are in a period of discovering things about yourself right now. That can be very difficult, but I promise at the in the process you will realize what all of the rest of us see in you. You will blossom.
I told you in the thing that I wrote you for your birthday that I thought you were bound for greatness. I still wholeheartedly believe that.
I am here for you if you need me.
I love you.

I think I thought you were the baseball in the poem for so long. You felt so soft and comfortable and good in my hands. There was no need for other projectiles. It’s time to stop throwing things.
I used to have a baseball from when I played little league. I looked for it last night, but could not find it.

I have thought today about discontinuing this, stop communicating with you at all. I don’t really know why I cannot get you out of my system. I wish I could figure it out. I really wish that I could see the future, to know that I will find a love like you, or even greater, somewhere down the road. I know that is the human condition though; we cannot know if, or when, things will work out.
I am so thankful to you for what you said before you left last night. I guess I have thought that the majority of your memories throughout all of this have been about how screwed up I am, and how much I hurt you. To know that you think so many positive things about me, and me and you, means a lot.
With that said, I should tell you…
You were also the best sex I have ever had. You are the most charismatic person I have ever met when you are not down. You are also the most beautiful woman I have ever dated. You are the most naturally gifted and talented person I know. You have an incredible heart, and an equally impressive head on your shoulders. You really were what I was looking for, and because of that, it is difficult to get over you.
I know that I can find someone else if it is not you, but it has seemed to me worth trying to get you back, since I know you were what I was looking for, what I had waited for. I know I need to move past this line of thinking now, but having you love me, and you allowing me to love you, was an incredible gift for both of us.
One of the most meaningful things that you said to me last night was about my sadness, about how it overwhelmed you and you could not imagine raising a child or being married to that sadness. Trust me, I know that if I had not started addressing the sadness fully, I would not have been in this world much longer. I am sorry that I did not take the good steps I have taken now while we were still together.
It does make me sad that you never get to see the progress I have made, that you only see me when I am sad now. It’s the nature of the situation, but trust me, I am much better now. Between the medication and the things I have come to understand about myself, I am slowly climbing into a state of happiness and self-respect. I am not saying any of this to try to win you back. I am saying it because you said that you were tired of feeling sorry for me last night. Please, I beg you, stop feeling sorry for me. Things hurt, sure, but this does not dominate my life anymore. I am okay on a day-to-day basis.
You say that you think the two of us together was too volatile of a mixture. I disagree with that wholeheartedly. I think we were two people that were dealing with a lot of baggage who used the relationship – sometimes healthily, other times not so healthily – to hang our baggage on. I think that our individual problems collided and magnified at times, but it was not the relationship, or the chemistry that did that. God knows the chemistry was perfect once.
It still is lonely without you here. It is lonely hugging the pillow that is now you. It is sad not to see your face daily. Bout you know what Grier, all of this is because of something. I am learning so much about myself through the pain and loneliness. I am learning how to be alone. I am learning what I truly like and dislike- what I want and do not want. At the end of every day though, I still do want you. I don’t need you, I want you. That is a huge difference to me now.
I hope the rest of your weekend went well. I hope that the movie was good. I am going to watch Junebug when I get finished with this.
I saw Liz tonight and she was really sad and crying a bit. If you haven’t already talked to her, she might could use a call.
Take care, sweetheart.